I want to write an article about depression, it's what I've been going through and essentially turned my life upside down and to shreds. I'm finally getting back on my feet, very goddamn slowly. I finally feel like I'm getting to the end of the tunnel. Not many people really understand what it's like to be depressed. It's more than just being sad, It's the feeling of complete and overwhelming mental pain. It's so intense that you'll do anything to escape it. Nothing is fun anymore, food doesn't taste good. You fake it on the outside to your friends because it's easier than admitting defeat.
This article as with my other articles is always to achieve three things. 1. People with depression to have someone to relate too with a different point of view. 2. People without it to get an understanding. 3. To get this out of my head and into something that's not a complete waste. Worrying and dwelling on things is literally the definition of pointless, and yet even though I'm smart enough to realise this with my logical brain, my emotional brain doesn't connect the same way.
Depression is impossible to put into words. Most people will tell you just snap out of it and be happy. It's not as simple as this unfortunately. It's taken me various meds, positive thinking, forced work and a lot of time. There's usually an underlying issue, mine was a big combination of things that finally made me cave under a huge amount of stress. My health problems I fight everyday get me down and usually I can shrug this off, but once you add financial stress on top it gets a lot harder. Even then I usually powered through, but the straw on the camels back was my girlfriend I loved dearly breaking up with me. It was like a light switch turned off. I couldn't see the point in anything anymore. Even to get out of bed and make dinner was the biggest effort that left me literally exausted sometimes.
it's like a heavy weight sitting on your back and you're carrying it around all day. I get jealous of all the other people bouncing around happily care free and sometimes wonder why I can't be like that. From a movie on depression I recommend seeing called "Prozac Nation" the saying goes "Depression begins gradually, and then suddenly" And when it finally lifts, it's a similiar feeling in reverse. You wake up, and literally dread the day, week, month and year ahead. Everything is now ten times harder. Medication helped, but it doesn't solve the issue. Also having stopped making games for so long started to spiral me worse downhill, I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.
Depression is like losing everything you ever knew about feelings. You slowly learn and grow up from them as you get older, and it's like they all just vanish right in front of you. All that confidence and self esteem pulled out from under your feet. Stuck inside a glass box, wanting to SCREAM, but nothing comes out.
You have to fake happyness to your friends. It's like being the best actor in the entire world. Faking every emotion or feeling till you dunno how to act anymore. You feel terrible you're lying inside to your friends but then you feel worse if you just acted sad around them all day and they didn't want to be around you anymore.
Anxiety is also the silent killer. It is literally fear put into a physical manifestation. It's so lame. I didn't realise how bad I had it till I took medication and drugs that made it go away. I realised how much of my life I had lived in fear trapped inside my own head. Scared of life itself. It's not easy for someone to overcome. It doesn't matter if you're the most amazing actor celebrity on the planet, or a lowlife hobo. It's equally just as hard to deal with.
Finally gradually forcing myself to exercise, eat properly, work on my games and other hobbies such as guitar. Talking to friends. I slowly came back up, I'm still not fully there, not even close to how I used to feel, but I actually have motivation to write this which even seemed like an impossible task before in the black cloud. I took drugs to try escape my problems for 2 years, in the end this made things a lot worse and left me 20 steps backwards financially and physically. It was a nice break however and I had many wild adventures and stories now to tell people, but all in all it was not worth it. Specially for losing my girlfriend. I've always been very caring about others underneath because I find it hard to express it like I do typing. That's why I love typing these articles. Just so it's somewhere out there, somewhere someone might read it.
If you're reading this and have depression, don't give up. Please don't. I still find it hard to move on, but fuck it I'm still going too and one day overcome all this shit. When life gives you lemons, spit back in its face and punch life out. Demand a refund, and bloody get it. Change your lemon into a bloody goldmine of happyness. I'm still fighting the black dog day to day with a knife in my mouth, but I'll win. I will learn from my mistakes and get a new girlfriend and not go back to the easy way out in life like before.
It's all going to be ok.